Archive for November, 2012

LO, behold!

Posted: November 2, 2012 in MiB Hates Us All

[I’ve been thinking. Very recently, this blog received a huge spike in hits, the reasons of which continue to elude me. This is of great interest, especially since I haven’t posted anything in the past few weeks due to my writing a little thing called Matric Finals. Anyway, this new surge in awareness has caused me to question whether or not I should repost the infamous LO post that put this blog on the map of cyberspace – the post which I had to take down for the safety of both my life and my gonads. I’m sorry, angry educators, but my testicles are not available for timeshare. In my state of anxious confusion, I consulted with my Jedi Master who diagnosed me with a case of Acute Pussiness and prescribed me a healthy dose of Man the Fuck Up. So I did. To the new followers of the blog – here’s the piece that shook the very core of civilization as we know it. To the veterans – here it is: back with a vengeance]

[Disclaimer: all characters portrayed or referenced are creations and exaggerations of my own twisted, tormented mind. Any resemblance to real people is totally coincidental. Totally. Seriously, I mean it.]

Today began as a good day – a great day, in fact – with the sun shining and the birds chirping and the water wet, a great day that hastily sullied into a shit day when I was informed about my Life Orientation work that was “outstanding”. Not “outstanding” in the way that I usually am, but rather in the way that Julius Malema’s public stoning is “outstanding”. As in “the teacher lost it”. Ah, LO. The polio-stricken AIDS-having cancer-ridden rich uncle of the broke Subject family – you know, the one that everybody secretly wishes would spontaneously combust but puts up with because he’s the one that gets us kids into varsity. A subject that would be slightly tolerable if not for the sheer inadequacy of the LO department.

The Life Orientation Department at the prestigious St Jiminy’s College is spearheaded by the extremely bald and utterly useless Mr Library. Mr Library’s very name is an ironic conundrum because he is physically incapable of keeping more than two sheets of paper together for more than a week. If Mr Library was in charge of an actual library, there would never be any fines for late books because he would lose the books before people actually took them out. Mr Library is a born loser – literally. The guy could give any contestant on The Biggest Loser a wheeze-filled run for their donuts any day of the week. In fact, I’m nigh convinced that Mr Library is a Liverpool supporter, based on the sheer number of times he’s lost shit on the job. Hell, he’s even lost his hair.

But let’s not get too caught up in the tangle of Pantene-shampooed luscious locks that is not Mr Library’s head; instead, let’s focus on the subject that he so proudly teaches. To put it simply, Life Orientation has done nil, nothing, nada in terms of orienteering my life. Contrary to popular opinion, I’m actually quite a nice guy. I realise that child slavery in India is, at its heart, a very bad thing. That doesn’t mean that I have to write a fucking essay on it. Furthermore, how is my writing a 700-word essay on why poor little Deepak in the bowels of Mumbai should not be sold into slavery going to help him? How is it going to help me? My ancestors were smart; they got the fuck out of India years ago and came to be oppressed over here in sunny SA. Perhaps it’s one of those hidden trials that tests whether or not you should actually be released into society – but even then the system has failed because cretins continue to roam among us. At its pinnacle, LO is almost as useless as hymn practice, which is about as useful as a dong-flavoured lollipop.

The real shame is that Life Orientation could be useful. Instead of containing questions regarding the number of pull-ups I can do in a minute (17, bitches), the curriculum could be centred around actual life events that students go through – such as filling out tax return forms, applying for various licenses or informing us what to do when our boss’s wife is OD’ing on heroin – you know, things that ORIENTEER us for everyday LIFE. Instead, I have to fill out a spreadsheet comparing the number of push-ups I did in a minute last year with the number I did this year. What a fucking joke. It’s no surprise that WITS allocates half the admission points for an A in LO than for any other subject and that UCT allocates no admission points for the subject at all.

But then it hit me: maybe Baldemort is a genius. Maybe he’s stumbled onto the greatest secret in the history of professions, and he’s just been hiding it from the rest of us like the Gollum that he is. Think about it: for eons, man has searched endlessly but alas fruitlessly for a job in which he can do absolutely nothing yet still make good money. Teaching LO is that job. It’s so simple, yet so obscenely brilliant:

  1. Set useless work .
  2. Watch students toil
  3. Lose said work.
  4. Blame the students.
  5. Smile sadistically.
  6. Pleasure yourself by rubbing bald heads (both of them).

Mr Library: you, sir, are an evil genius. You rank right up there with Lex Luthor and Dr Evil on the list of history’s greatest follicularly-challenged villains. I salute you and your bald head.

Because you’re worth it.

[P.S. Big props to the readers that get the last line – took me a while to come up with that one.]

Also, in case you’re wondering, the taking down of this post is what led to the creation of the “So here’s the thing…” post. I’m not going to take that down, because six posts on a blog looks a helluva lot better than five. Oh, and if you enjoyed this, remember to promote it via Facebook, Twitter, singing telegram, the works. Thank you. That is all.

© 2012-2013 mibhatesusall.com All Rights Reserved

Advertisements