Another Year Over… And A New One Just Begun

Posted: January 9, 2013 in MiB Hates Us All

Ah, here we are. January 9th, several days after the NSC matric results were released and the Department of Education somewhat hoodwinked an entire country into believing that people who gain 40% in Mathematics are the future leaders of our planet. But amongst the frivolous fireworks, wanton merriments and groundless jamborees, there was reason to celebrate – namely, my matric results and the story behind how I received them. However, that story has not yet been transferred from the confines of my mind to the blank slate – it’s coming, hopefully soon. It’s a pretty interesting story, too. And for those of you want to pretend to care, I got 9 distinctions writing at IEB level and made the front page of the Saturday Star. I also placed in the top 1% in the country for English – ah, look at me, boasting and bragging like a huge dick. You’d almost think that I didn’t have one.  But like I said, soon.

With the dawn of a New Year came countless drunk-driving violations, several instances of public nudity and a whole host of resolutions. Let’s talk about New Year’s Resolutions. And bear in mind, it’s not just us ordinary, stupid folk that lie hopelessly to ourselves in the dull hope that we could lose 10 kilos by simply pledging to “downsize from the mass of Jupiter to at least Uranus” .  Extraordinarily stupid people from world leaders to plastic creatures are getting in on it too.

For example, Kim Jong-Un delivered North Korea’s first televised New Year’s message in 19 years and pledged to “end confrontation” with South Korea. I would make some witty comment about how New Year’s Resolutions are never kept but this one practically writes itself.

Snooki, the orange stain on the Technicolor Dreamcoat of Humanity, came forward with her resolutions too. Her “first priority”, she stated, is to “MAKE MORE MONEY”. Her “second priority” was to make her Chuckie of a child “the happiest baby ever.” Let’s all take a moment to digest that, and a moment more to throw it back up. I honestly thought that it was nigh on impossible to deplore this elastic cow even more, but I retch corrected. A rabid, AIDS-infested mutant koala bear with cataracts in both eyes and a penchant for infant blood would make a better mother than this Creature from the Moo Lagoon. Hell, Snooki is the parent that the Tiger Mom warns her kids about. Being a Fucking Cunt of a Parent is not yet recognised as an Olympic Sport, but if it were, Snooki would take home gold, silicon and bronzer every single fucking year. If there are any kids reading this, go and hug your mother/father/cult leader right now just for not being Snooki. Also, I sincerely apologize for scarring you for life, but that’s your indaba.

It’s not only leaders of nations and breeders of abominations that make resolutions, though. Entire nations have been getting in on the New Year’s Resolution’s bandwagon as well – January 1st also marks the anniversary of the creation of Fatah, which, riding high on the relatively recent victory at the UN General Assembly, hopes to unite with Hamas in 2013 to form a “new government of national unity” in order to finally empower the Palestinian people in a Palestinian state. Israel has retaliated with a new law/resolution banning overly skinny models with a BMI of less than 18.5 from appearing in advertisements after pressure from feminists. Personally, I think the Palestinians should take a hint and incorporate this tactic into their own motives down the Long Catwalk to Freedom.  Either way, with Palestinian sovereignty looming on the horizon, it’s clear that Israel has a lot on their plates… or not…

Finally, Justin Bieber welcomed in the New Year by getting higher than a kite. In response to this devastating news, thousands of Beliebers began slicing their own wrists in an attempt to stop their goddess from ruining her future, because fuck logic. In other news, scientists report an increase in global IQ by over 10 points, thus making Justin Bieber, in my eyes, the only thing alive to keep his New Year’s Resolution of “trying to be a better person” by indirectly cleansing the world of sheer idiocy.

With all this talk about changing for the sake of change going on, I decided to come up with some New Year’s Resolutions of my own. Here they are:

1.     Be Nicer to Bald People

As you might already know, bald people are the Bane to my Batman, the Lex Luthor to my Superman, the Baldemort, Blofeld and Burns of my existence.  I am pleased to say that I am seriously trying to cut down on my hatred for the hairless. I’ve even been wearing bald caps with the occasional hair plug in order to truly walk The Path of the Chrome Dome. So you see, I’m really making an effort here.

[EDIT: in between writing this piece’s first draft and editing it, I’ve already broken this resolution by telling the bald man in front of me at the movies today that he “looks like a walking penis.” So much for tolerance.]

2.     Don’t Say No to Anything aka Don’t be a Pussy

I’ve already implemented this resolution  in my daily life with outstanding results. I used to be a typical Indian – you know, skiving off sports, always playing it safe, never doing anything I didn’t have to and going home to eat biryani and samoosas. Then, after one long night of eating, praying, loving myself and staring into the abyss, I came to the hearty conclusion of “Jesus fuck, I’m wasting my life”. I decided then and there in the musty confines of my bedroom to not say NO to anything (with the exception of those activities including the words “loving”, “bald” and “syphilis”), kind of like that Jim Carrey movie but better, because I would actually be able to land Zooey Deschanel/Katy Perry and her high-waisted hipster pants (or so I would like to think). Just within the last two weeks, I’ve descended into a pyramid in Giza, snowmobiled through the mountains of Lebanon,  quad biked through the Sinai, visited Jesus’ birthplace in Bethlehem on Christmas Eve, gotten lost countless times in Jerusalem and spent $50 on three glasses of water and a serviette in Beirut’s most expensive nightclub

3.     Date Emma Watson

This I can do.

4.     Greet someone new every day with a smile.

This one I’m not so sure about.

5.     Write more

I’ve already begun.

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