The Great Writing Competition-of-sorts

Posted: March 21, 2013 in The Great Writing Competition-of-sorts

So, you remember my best friend extraordinaire, right? She featured in the last post – you know, the one that caused all the kerfuffle with Trevor Noah on Twitter? Of course you remember her, she’s fucking extraordinary. Anyway, she recently proclaimed herself to be my muse extraordinaire too; and I must tell you, it’s actually been working.

You see, she, too, is a writer. But unlike yours truly, she specializes in poetry – and Jesus, what poetry. I hate to admit it but she is a better poet than I – the extent of my poetry skill peaks at “She’s a poet and she knows it.” Also – “There once was a man from Nantucket, whose dick was so long he could…” Nevermind.

So, in order to go about her muse-like activities and actually get me to sit my ass down and write, she proposed that we have a Great Writing Competition-of-sorts over the end-of-block holiday. I thought it was a splendiferous idea. But we also set out some rules, because without rules and rulers, we would have anarchy and squiggly lines. And we would all be fucked – especially the architects.

Also, I’m just screwing with you on the pro-rules viewpoint – I fucking hate rules. But even Fight Club has rules, the first of which I have just broken, thus proving to you that I am both pro-rules and anti-rules at the same time. Mindfucked yet?

And so, dear readers, these are the 7 Golden Rules of the competition:

  1. Each writer has to Write Something in 24 hours
  2. The Somethings can be either poetry or prose
  3. The Somethings must be of substantial length
  4. The Somethings cannot be shit
  5. Being a smartass and writing “Something” warrants a swift kick to the nuts – this doesn’t apply to her because I’m the one most probable to do it. Also, she doesn’t have nuts.
  6. Each writer will select a topic/theme for the next day’s piece.
  7. The winner will be selected between the two writers for each day’s piece

That’s about it. Also, I don’t know if I’m gonna display her work from the competition up on the blog because it tends to be incredibly beautiful and personal and it makes your heart smile and I don’t think that’s entirely appropriate for a blog with the words “Hates Us All” in the title. But I will definitely be displaying my responses for the world to see and judge, and fuck it – I was publicly fucked over by a celebrity on a social media site and then repeatedly gang-molested by a torrent of retweets and favourites – I think I’m famous enough to feature her work later as a guest writer.

Okus dokus. I think that covers it. I hope you enjoy the fruits of the competition, because I’m going to be slaving away at the words getting it there for you, just like my ancestors of old, but with less pasty white British people involved. Thank you. That is all.

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