The Ilolminati on Nelson

Posted: December 11, 2013 in MiB Hates Us All

[The problem with writing about Nelson Mandela’s death is that literally everything that could possibly be said about Nelson Mandela has already been said. From abundant admirations to angry denigrations to half the South African Muslim population condemning him as a non-believer whilst the other half claims that he was a secret Muslim because he died on a Jummah night, people all around the world have paid tribute in their own special way to this son of Qunu. Instead of bleeding out a standard column to Nelson, I have decided to be a bit more fun and creative in the spirit of Rolihlahla and have instead written out the transcript of a Whatsapp conversation between the different playmakers in the world regarding the great man’s death. Enjoy]

 

 THE ILOLMINATI

Barack: Guys.

Netanyahu: What’s up?

Barack: I don’t think you’ll believe it, but…

Castro: You invaded another country?

Chavez: Ooooh, low blow, South America represent.

Merkel: What are you talking about? Cuba is in Central America

Barack: Fuck you Fidel.

Castro: I’d fuck me too.

Barack: Anyway. Guys, I think Nelson Mandela has passed on…

Australia: What?

Canada: What?

Mugabe:    image (1)

Chavez: Where’s Jacob? JACOB!!!

Barack: I don’t know. But I think it’s true. I mean the last time I visited South Africa and visited him at his private home, he confided in me that he didn’t think he was going to last the year…

Castro: Oh, put a cock in it, Barack. Just because he was the first SA black president and you’re the first USA black president doesn’t mean anything. They’re on their fourth now, look how that’s turned out for them.

Kenya: Well, Madiba has been extremely ill for the past year, so I think that if it is true, it is probably for the best… May he Rest in Peace.

India: Salaam Namaste, Mandela Bhai

Barack: Hlala phansi, Madiba, my old friend.

Lesotho: Barack…

Barack: Ah yes, I thought you might recognize my greeting.. Mandela taught it to me himself – it means “Go well” 🙂

Lesotho: Ok

Italy: Requiescat in Pace

Chavez: Thank you Ezio Auditore

Zuma: Yes, Hugo?

Chavez: Yes what?

Zuma: I am answering you.

Chavez: Why did you take so long?!?

Zuma: I couldn’t find “u”.

Malema: I’m here!!!

Malema: Hehehe

*JULIUS WAS REMOVED*

Barack: What in the name of Lincoln’s lumber is going on here?!? Jacob, is Nelson dead???

Zuma: Yes.

Zuma: Nelson has passed

Zuma: On.

Barack: Damn… So it’s true then. The world has lost an exemplary example of a man. A man that strove against oppression and tyranny and endured years of imprisonment just so that one day his brothers and sisters of all races could live in freedom and equality.

Chavez: Say, Barack, have you ever heard of Guantanamo Bay?

Barack: Shutup.

Castro: So, now what? Is there going to be a memorial service or something that we can attend and pay our respects to Comrade Mandela?

Barack: If there is, I shotgun speaking first.

Chavez: Americans and their gun violence.

Zuma: Yes.

Zuma: There will be a memorial service.

Zuma: Soon.

Netanyahu: Unfortunately, I will be unable to attend.

India: Why?

Netanyahu: The costs of such an unexpected trip will be too exorbitant to fund at such short notice.

Abbas: I’m going and my country doesn’t technically exist.

Abbas: Thanks to you.

Chavez: Yeah, Bibi, that’s the worst excuse I’ve heard since “the dog ate my freedom fighter”.

Barack: I think that we’re missing the point here. One of the greatest men to ever walk the face of the earth has just left us and here we are arguing petty politics. I mean, shouldn’t we be honouring his life?

Chavez: Yes, because you’re so sympathetic to people fighting against oppression, aren’t you? What was the name of that poor young man that had to flee your country because he exposed the fact that you spy on your citizens? What was it, Vladimir?

Putin: Snowman. Or something. I do not care. I am busy riding bear. Rest in Peace Comrade Mandela.

Barack: Well, don’t act like you don’t do it. Let he who has never imprisoned a man for opposing his political views nor spied on his own citizens for signs of dissent cast the first stone.

Swaziland: Well, I haven’t.

Barack: You don’t count.

Swaziland: Why?!?

Barack: Do you even have the technology to spy on your own citizens?

Swaziland: Maybe.

Barack: Does anyone even know where Swaziland is??? Don’t you still live in the jungle or something? Your people are the image my people envision when they think of Africa.

Swaziland: Hugo was right. Fuck you Barack.

Chavez:   image

Chavez: INSENSITIVE BARACK MEME

Barack: Well that’s just a low blow.

Chavez: Michelle gives a low blow.

Swaziland: LOL

Castro: LOL

Zuma: I do.

India: “You do” what?

Zuma: I know where Swaziland is.

Barack: Ok. So Jacob, when is the memorial? NOBODY ASK ANY OTHER QUESTIONS.

Zuma: The memorial will be held according to my operations manager quote on the 10th of December

Zuma: Unquote.

Barack: That’s rather soon. So, who is going to be attending the funeral of this wondrous, close, personal late friend of mine?

India: I shall be there.

Canada: Can I come?

Zuma: Yes you may come.

Pakistan: What about me? Can I come?

Mugabe: I would like to come too.

Zuma: Yes yes you can all come together.

Zuma: Hehe.

Zuma: He.

Dalai Lama: Can I come?

Zuma: Ja… no.

China: ROR

“Barack changed the group name to “RIP Mandela My Best Friend”

“Castro changed the group name to “GTFO Barack O-Bummer”

“Barack changed the group name to “Castro is Castrated”

“Chavez changed the group name to “Michelle knows otherwise”

*BARACK LEFT THE GROUP*

“Zuma changed the group name to Quote We Love You Tata Madiba Unquote”

[I have taken some creative liberties, such as keeping Hugo Chavez alive, mainly because a) I can and b) I think Chavez’s disdain for the US is much more renowned than his successor’s. I also decided to use country names instead of leader names because it just helps the piece flow more smoothly in my opinion, which is really the only one that counts since I wrote the damn thing. If you know that the President of China is Xi Jinping and feel very strongly against my choice to say “China”, you can email all complaints to ihavenolife@myrighthandismylover.com or tweet me @MiBHatesUsAll. In conclusion, I would just like to say that I am honoured to be South African because of what Nelson Mandela did for my country. I would like to write something about just how great and magnanimous and wise Madiba was, but really, I honestly believe that I cannot do him justice. I am simply awestruck. Hamba kahle, Tata. You were the best of us.]

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Comments
  1. Anish Patel says:

    Mib as always your writing is illuminating

  2. Oscar says:

    Dope blog

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