Archive for April, 2014

To ASC or not to ASC

Posted: April 3, 2014 in MiB Hates Us All

[Have you ever found yourself so utterly bored that you decide to fuck with authority just for the sake of a laugh or three? I have. A couple of weeks ago, the Accounting School at Wits University put out a notice calling students to apply for a place on the Accounting School Council. Now, everyone knows that the ASC is second only to the Jedi High Council in terms of badassery, so I decided to spark off my budding political career by ensuring election onto the Council to, I dunno, account or something. And so, inspired by Tucker Max, I bequeath to you my application letter to be elected onto the Accounting School Council]

To whom it may concern

My name is MiB and I am hereby applying for a position on the Accounting Student Council.

If elected, I promise to attend every Accounting Student Council session with a positive attitude and a rotting dead bat christened FinAccula to symbolize just how soul-sucking this profession is. I will then demand discussion and debate around issues that have no bearing on the accounting profession, such as which budding Professor Utonium accidentally created Wits pigeons and whether or not a systematic genocide of the Sociology students would be such a bad thing after all.

If I do not get my way, I will rip off all my clothes in a very manly fashion and bellow “DEFINE AND RECOGNIZE ME AS YOUR RULER, BITCHES!” before unleashing my army of antisocial actuaries on the dissenters.

Upon becoming Supreme Dictator For Life, I shall annex the land of the Matrix, declare war on UJ and enslave their students who shall henceforth act as ferries between East Campus and West Campus for my minions, thus solving the transport issue that has plagued students since people actually had to live with the name Wartenweiler.

My first decree will be to change the acronym of my palace – the FNB Building – to its rightful title, namely the Fine Nasty Bitches Building. My second decree will be the installation of a Jacuzzi for fire-retardant purposes. I will then appoint a Finder of Fine Nasty Bitches, who will oversee the recruitment of aforementioned Fine Nasty Bitches. This could be you if you vote for me.

My previous skills and experience include being reborn after three days, turning water into wine, turning vodka into a forgotten night, walking on water and wine (red only), blessing hoes and being Jesus.

Respectfully submitted,

MiB, Esq.

 

I can’t believe I didn’t get elected.

 

[If you want to be appointed as the Finder of Fine Nasty Bitches when I eventually come to power and rule the world, follow me (in general) and tweet me (on Twitter) your credentials @MibHatesUsAll. Other positions to be filled include The Keeper of Booty, Head of Nuclear Activities and my personal butler, Alfred (if your name is not Alfred, please be advised that it will be changed to Alfred). The rest of you have been warned.]

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